A New Year

What do you think? Should I do it? Should I make a list and put it out there with only a teensy hope of doing what I say I will? Every year I tell myself that I'm not going to do it. Then, I decide that I'll make a list, but that rule #1 is that I will take it easy on myself...ahimsa, people...ahimsa. Puh-shaw! Whatever! It never turns out that way. I make my list, I take it easy on myself, and then at the end of the year, it hits me like an aluminum baseball bat to a tee. I'm feeling the wind from the childish swing as I type.

It's troubling when you know there are many things you want to do, but you lack the determination. This has always been my problem. I walked the mile in gym. I'm usually walking when I should be running. I quit choir before high school. I'm usually humming silently in corners when I should be singing the melody. I wanted to be a ballerina. Now, I don't dance unless I've had a few and I'm in the right company.

I've always been scared. I've always been terrified. Of what? You name the juvenile fear and it's in me. I still sometimes shiver at the thought of something grabbing my ankles when I step out of bed, of hearing my own voice, of being forgotten.

This post is a downer...but it's how I feel.


Electronic Goose said...

You've made it further than most of us by acknowledging your fear. I'm often amused by how many folks walk around oblivious to everything, including themselves.

I have a feeling you'd make a mental list even if you didn't post one.

Jez said...

You're totally right about the mental list...in fact, I've already got one a mile long. :/

Maxim Khailo said...

I have made a new years resolution. To get serious about my programming skills and guitar skills. Will I do it? I don't know. You know I am a big procrastinator!

Most people i think live like zombies.