Friday

My thoughts at the moment are not where they "should be." I put that in quotes because, really, it isn't entirely true. I really should be thinking at least within the same category, only maybe with a more optimistic attitude. Does that make sense? I keep thinking in terms of "nevers" and that is not very healthy.

For example: "I will never get out of this rut." Now, this is downright silly. I can only do as much as I can, right? And if I am doing something, anything at all, about my "situation" doesn't that mean I won't be in the rut forever? I'm so hard on myself all of the time because that bullying half of me tends to think for some reason that it is good for me. Meanwhile, the one suffering from the emotional attacks of the bully pulls deeper and deeper into her bad habits, her laziness, her selfishness, and her fear because what one side is doing to help the other isn't actually helping at all. It's like an assault on myself 24/7. I would never dream of causing physical harm to myself...so why, why, why do I tear myself to shreds on the inside? Is it because the violence in me is sneaky and smart enough to injure only the places that nobody sees? Am I part domestic abuser and part scared, excuse-making victim? It seems so.

I am working on it.

Really, I am worried about money. I hate to dilute it down to that, but there isn't much more to it, no matter how hard I try to make it more. It could also be about fear. I need the courage to seek employment. I need the courage to write an application essay for graduate school. I need the courage to take the GRE and Japanese Proficiency exams. I need the motivation and the dedication to actually study for these exams. I need the courage to write and submit to various journals within the next year...and I need a skin thick enough to take more rejection on that front, more denial of my worth.

The thing is that the things I intend to do in the next few months should not be so scary. I have done much scarier things in my life with grace and, although perhaps with a wavering sense of confidence, I came through it a wiser and stronger person. I am a very hard worker when it comes right down to it. I just need to nurture that scared side and help it out of its darkness...and right now I'm sort of at a loss of how to do that.

But I am working on it.

This post isn't intended to be a downer. Actually, as I wrote it, I was feeling quite optimistic and reflective. I just needed to put it all out in print somewhere. It helps me. :)