30.8.07

For myself

Something I need to keep in mind when I'm feeling overwhelmed is: I will have time. I keep trying to hurry my life along as though I were dying tomorrow and in some kind of rush to establish a legacy. I've said this before, but I need to simplify my life. I realize that it seems like I don't do much with my time. I only work at Starbucks (not for long) and knit the rest of the day, but my life is too complex. It's the emotion of complexity that I need to sort of tame a little bit and if I can't tame that emotion, I'll probably never learn anything about myself.

I need to relearn who it is that I am, who it is that I want to be. For the past few weeks, I've been thinking about it...and I've jokingly said "I feel my artistic spirit has died." I laughed, smiled, and acted as though I were only being dramatic. But it was true.

Did you know that in high school, all I did was create art and write? If I didn't, I would feel uncomfortable and unhappy. I was an artist; I was a writer. So, what happened? It can't possibly be that I am not anymore...can it? If there was a time in my life when my art defined me, when I was full of ideas and creativity, how is it possible that I have become what I am today? To answer your question, I am a too stressed to breathe, too scared to move, too stupid to care twenty-something. This is not Jessica; this is a fake. I see you there, taking over. I know what you're up to. I don't know how I became so weak to just allow you to do this to me. I can't believe how close I have come to letting this world get the best of me. No more. The take no prisoners, no nonsense, and no criticism child is back. Nice to meet you.

It might be hard and it might be scary. I may not buy as much yarn. I might never F an O again. It doesn't really matter, as long as I'm doing something I love and am not allowing myself to be abused anymore, by myself or anyone else for that matter.

So, what does this mean? Probably nothing to anyone reading this. It's an inside of Jessica kind of change that will, for the most part, go unnoticed except for the part in the film where I'm happy without any kind of doubt behind it. Things like that might become obvious.

Oh, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I just needed to write this, you know? I'm in the midst of some serious changes and I'm scared to death. Luckily I have people who love me and support me...even if it isn't in the way I would sometimes like them to.

Sheesh...please, go back to your knitting. I'll go back to mine. All will be as it is, no questions, no shame.

2 comments:

Danielle said...

Best of luck! Know that you're not alone...

Kar said...

i guess this is why we're all having quarter-life crisis'...i feel the same, really i do...