For a few weeks now, I have gotten up in the morning (if you can call it "morning") harboring the same feelings. I don't want to get up. I don't want to do anything. I don't like who I am or what I'm doing. I feel like I continue to make the wrong choices in my life, as though it were my hobby to always mess up, spazz out, or run out of steam and sanity. Most importantly, I feel stupid. Feeling stupid is the worst kind of feeling for me because I have wasted a lot of time trying not to be stupid.

And, honestly, I'm sick of trying. There are things I am good at, being a graduate student is obviously not one of them. And before anyone says that graduate school is a lot of stress on everyone and I shouldn't be so hard on myself, have it be known that I am not a full time student, I do not have even a part-time job, and I do basically FUCK-ALL all day long. I have two classes, one of which has only one assignment (no tests, quizzes, final, etc...), and I am overwhelmed. The funny thing is that I am overwhelmed not by the class with the constant stream of busy-work type assignments, but by the one in which I have only one due date for the entire term. The term is almost over. Have I made any progress on that one assignment? No, of course not.

Of course not.

When is it due? I, honestly, am not sure. I skipped class last week because we were supposed to "talk about" our papers. Since I would have nothing to say, I avoided putting myself in a situation in which I would look like the idiot I undoubtedly am. I thought I would take a week to actually make some progress and then go to class this week...prepared.

Let's just say that I'm thinking about skipping out again.

I am batting out of my league. I played T-ball in grade school and not very well. The puzzling thing here is that I don't really want to do well, but rather feel like I should be doing well--at least as well as my peers. I feel like I have no place from which to start, appearing out of nowhere with nowhere to go--no sense of direction. So, I stay where I am. I feel stupid. I cry.

I've always felt stupid and I've always been crying.

And I know that deep down it isn't about school. It isn't about school at all.


librarian pirate said...

oh, hon! I'm a sucky friend right now because on doctor's orders I have to be the ultimate in lazy ... but if you want someone to study with, etc. let me know! I don't know much about archives, but I am good at sitting and writing reviews while keeping other people motivated. (:


Or I am also good at going for ice cream with people who need to go for ice cream.

Vicky said...

Hi. I just sent you a private msg via Ravelry in response to this blog. Please check your messages page there.


danielle said...


I know I don't know you, but it sounds like you could use one right about now.

Anonymous said...

maybe it is your essential self telling you that this is not what you are meant to be doing. much like a toddler, the essential self can make itself very 'heavy' when it doesn't want to do something. Read anything by Martha Beck for more on this.