Living...and that's all

I wish i could say that I'm doing this or that. I wish I could tell you that I've found a full-time job and my life is finally pulling together.

I would tell you those things, if only they were true.

I keep thinking of things I can do with my life. I've got a hundred different options flopping around in this underused brain of mine. I want to go back to school. That's simple enough. That should solve a problem or two...put a few things into perspective. Actually, it doesn't at all, because it opens up a whole new can of fermented eggs. Where do I go? What do I study? How do I pay for it? How will I get in? Who will write my recommendation letters? How will I pay for/pass all the requires standardized tests and entrance exams? What should I do in the meantime to save some money? How will I get to class? Should I choose a different degree? How can I be who I want when everything around me seems to be trying to stop me?

How can I do all of these things that I want to do when there is always some other obstacle?

It's because it is me...I know that. I take things too seriously. I freak out. I panic. I have a negative attitude...and a whole lotta self-loathing. The hardest part of all of it is that I don't even know where it comes from, or why it pops out from time to time.

I feel like staying home...I feel like sleeping...I feel like doing absolutely nothing. How's that for angst? Shouldn't I be over this by now? After all, I'm not a fuckin' teenager anymore!

So, I guess I'll just share my current hair-brained plan. I want to go back to school and get a Master's...in some sort of social service field. Honestly, I'm leaning toward high-school guidance counseling because I really feel that is an important job, when it's done right. I'm going to fill out the FAFSA as soon as possible...I'm not sure when the next deadline is. The problem is finding a good degree program...and then getting into it...and then paying for it...oh yeah, and finding a way to class everyday...and deferring my current loan payments...and EVERYTHING ELSE.

Working basically full time at Starbucks is really getting to me. I feel like I have wasted so much time procrastinating there. It is getting in the way of my future, and I can't have that. I have to take control here...but I'm so afraid...I've always been so afraid. And the worst part is that I'm thinking of everything all at once. I just can't seem to focus on things step-by-step...which leads to the panic. If I could just do things one thing at a time, this would be so much easier. People do this ALL THE TIME. It isn't like no one ever goes to Graduate school. They do. They really do!


I've finished the back of the Lace Blouse, the heel flap and heel turn of the second Child's First Sock in shell pattern, and I'm about to pick up my yarn from the post office so that I can get started on Rusted Root.

Maybe I should just knit myself a cocoon...


Kar said...

good luck with the plan! we closed on the house last friday and have been busy painting like crazy! I'm not starting grad school until next year, i'm thinking it will either be a M.Ed or MBA, but i'm unsure about that!

kelliann said...

i'm with you on not knowing what to do with your life... i'm in the saaame situation. i feel like i need to make some money before i go back to school, but i can't find a job i like enough/pays well enough to do! oh well, i will just use my brain to knit pretty things. :)